I don't exist.
It's been a weird half decade for quite a long time for me. Ever since my life deviated from being an artist to being a student of commerce to being just a spoiled wanderer and now a cook, I still haven't gotten a true sense of myself. Perhaps because I've never struck out on my own (and with the prices of rental and my current situation it isn't coming nay time soon). One of my traits that I'd like to think that I can do is that I'm adaptable. I can adapt to most things that doesn't require a total personal commitment by me nor the risk of me getting hurt. However as adaptable as I am, I'm still a person who is a jack of all trades and master of none. It's always been like that, whether because of my natural lack of commitment or the fact that I get bored quickly due to being stuck in one place, I'm still very much a person insecure with his placement in any circle of friends...not being knowledgeable enough to be considered and equal but know enough information to keep any one person's interest for long enough. Basically said everyone is smarter than me in a multitude of ways.
It's interesting that my own fear of abandonment is offset by my own sub-conscious denial existence of my own needs and body. In reviewing the pictures of my best friend's wedding, I appear in only 2 of the dozens of photos I shot, which hails back to my old art school days where I took dozens of pictures at our parties and hardly any of them have me in it. In fact I think entire rolls were taken without me in it. While the idea of being an anonymous photographer is great, it makes me wonder if the lack of record of my pictures will just lead me to realize how much of a pathetic life I lead. That I'm not even good enough a person to be recorded in anyone's sort of memory even to the point where I deny my own existence.
I don't know why I have such a history kick for having to know the details of everything and everyone. I never exhibited such a pattern when I was a child and it's strange that it should manifest now. In the end I'm just feeling a bit sad when putting my own life into perspective. No man is an island to himself but I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job about it right now.
It's interesting that my own fear of abandonment is offset by my own sub-conscious denial existence of my own needs and body. In reviewing the pictures of my best friend's wedding, I appear in only 2 of the dozens of photos I shot, which hails back to my old art school days where I took dozens of pictures at our parties and hardly any of them have me in it. In fact I think entire rolls were taken without me in it. While the idea of being an anonymous photographer is great, it makes me wonder if the lack of record of my pictures will just lead me to realize how much of a pathetic life I lead. That I'm not even good enough a person to be recorded in anyone's sort of memory even to the point where I deny my own existence.
I don't know why I have such a history kick for having to know the details of everything and everyone. I never exhibited such a pattern when I was a child and it's strange that it should manifest now. In the end I'm just feeling a bit sad when putting my own life into perspective. No man is an island to himself but I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job about it right now.
1 Comments:
I'm the same way too, visavi the whole camera photo thing, but that's because I hate being photographed. It's my goal, usually, to avoid the camera as much as possible.
As for friends being smarter than you in their own ways, you're the same too, in your own ways. Everyone's got their strenths and weakness. For example, I'm quite talented in compared Ghostface's brilliant album Fishscale to the Wire.
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